


All I want

by SteebRogurz



Series: All I Want [1]
Category: Avengers, MCU, Marvel
Genre: 100 percent grade A home-grown angst, Character Death, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Notes, this is a sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-10-30 06:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20809946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteebRogurz/pseuds/SteebRogurz
Summary: Steve takes you to grief therapy.





	All I want

**Author's Note:**

> this is based on the song All I Want by Kodaline

There were many memories you had with Bucky Barnes. How nervous you were on your first date. Not because he was an avenger and the world’s deadliest assassin, but because you had a crush on him since you met and you didn’t want to mess things up. Your first kiss and how soft his lips felt against yours. The way he looked at you as you walked down the aisle. These were the memories that will stay with you forever. Unfortunately, the memory of him lying on your bathroom floor in a pool of blood was now one of those memories. 

—

“Y/N would you like to share something?” A woman’s voice brought you out of your thoughts and back to the church hall where you sat in a circle of grieving people. This was your third meeting that Steve dragged you to but you hadn’t spoken at one yet. And part of you still didn’t want to, you would’ve been happy to stay at home wishing for oblivion. 

You looked down at your hands, at the wedding ring you were still wearing. “I, uh, still carry the letter he wrote me.” 

You could feel Steve’s hand on your shoulder as you pulled a sheet of paper from your purse, it had been folded and unfolded so many times that it was starting to tear at the edges. You opened it and your heart clenched at the first line written to you.

_My best girl, I love you more than words can say. _

“He would leave notes for me if he was going to be gone for a few days on a, uh, business trip.” Memories of that night came rushing back and you could feel tears well up in your eyes. “I tried to throw it out a bunch of times.” Your voice started to quiver as you spoke. “But it’s hard to get rid of the last thing he ever left for me. Y’know? This was his last goodbye.” You never said those words out loud before and in that instant you felt as if a little piece of you died. 

A few people nodded. 

“We were married for a year.” The tears were falling down your cheeks now. “And, yeah, he had his demons but I thought he was getting better. I thought I was helping him.” You sniffled and accepted the box of tissues that was offered to you.

“All I want is to hear him come through the door, to just see his face one last time-” Sobs shook your body as Steve rubbed comforting circles on your back and you couldn’t bring yourself to talk anymore. 

A few others talked after you but nothing they said registered. You were lost in your thoughts again, lost in the memories of Bucky. You walked out of the church in a daze and stood in the parking lot with your keys in hand searching for your car. You felt Steve walk up to stand beside you and you looked up at him with watery eyes.

“I can’t find my car.” 

“We came together Y/N,” he rested a hand on your shoulder and steered you towards his car.

The ride to your house was silent until you were stopped in your driveway. You slowly got out of the car and walked up the steps to your front door but you couldn’t bring yourself to walk through the threshold.

“Y/N?” Steve stood at the foot of the steps regarding you with a look of sorrow and concern.

“You know people have said that our love was made for movie screens.” You stared at the door dreading having to enter your cold empty house. 

A sad smile twitched at the corners of Steve’s mouth. “I know, I was one of those people.“ He walked up the steps to stand beside you. "He was so happy, Y/N. He was happiest when he was with you. He loved you so much.”

You turned to look into his own sad eyes. “If he loved me, Steve, then why did he leave me? He was my everything!” You yelled at him as tears streamed down your face. “I just miss him so much, why did he leave me, Steve. Why?” 

He was crying now too as he pulled you in for a hug. “I know, I miss him too.” 

“I can’t go back in there,” you sobbed and shook your head against his chest. “I can’t be alone in that house again. I need to be anywhere here.” The thought of sleeping in your bed alone and cold was too much to bear and you felt your heart breaking all over again.

"Okay, you can stay with me,” with his arm still around your shoulders Steve guided you back to his car and gently set you back against the seat. He put the car in reverse and pulled out of your driveway. “You never have to be alone, Y/N, we’ll get through this together.”

You tried to match Steve’s hopeful smile as he drove but your pain was too much. The memories were too fresh, you didn’t see how you could ever feel whole again without him and if you were being completely honest with yourself you didn’t want to, this pain was all you had left. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please check out Brother the second part to this story.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and please comment and tell me what you thought


End file.
